Unthinkable Luxury

I met a new homeschooling mom at a Mom's Night Out event this week.  She has one child and she's been homeschooling for one year.  She had a lot of questions about how to best supplement what she is able to give her daughter at home.  She was very nervous about teaching certain subjects.  She and her husband are laying out for their daughter what she will need to study in order to go to college, apparently, she wants to be a veterinarian.  Her daughter is ten.

I begged this mom to put aside talk of college and just let her daughter be a kid for a while longer.  She told me I  just didn't know her daughter.  "She plays school all the time," she said, "She loves it."  Well, yes, I'm sure she does.  Most ten year old girls do.  That's why Lisa Frank has a career.  But that doesn't mean a ten year old needs to be worrying about getting into college.

I tried to tell her that her daughter would probably change her mind about what she wants to do when she grows up, in fact, she's going to change her mind a lot.  Again I was told, "You just don't know her."  "Yes I do, " I replied, "She lives at my house."  Most girls go through a vet phase; my daughter's lasted for years.  Girls also go through a cat phase and a horse phase.  Some of these things stick and some of them don't.  Regardless, you don't make life plans at age ten.

But the mother would not be consoled.  She was sure her daughter was missing out on things by not being in school.  I reminded her that the things her daughter might be missing included bullying, test-driven anxiety and whatever else she wanted to avoid when she made the decision to bring her daughter home.  I was politely ignored.

This mom seemed to think that there was some magic way to homeschool, some formula we could give her that would preclude her from having to teach any subjects she didn't enjoy, from ever having any doubts about what she was doing.  She seemed convinced that there was something we could say or tell her to do that would give her the confidence in her decision that she was lacking.  I don't know if she realized that's what she was looking for, but it was.  It wasn't about language arts or socialization or college or test scores.  It was about her stepping up and being a mom and trusting God with her daughter's education.  At some point we have to stop second-guessing ourselves at every turn and just do the thing.  That's the only way to learn how to homeschool anyway, by jumping in there and getting it done.

She left unhappy.  Polite, but unhappy.  I felt badly for her.  Because regardless of the kind of education she gives her daughter, she will always feel like it wasn't enough.  She is sure she is inadequate in some way.  She doesn't need a language arts class for her daughter or a new curriculum or a change of method.  What she needs is a great big helping of self-confidence.  What she needs is to stop worrying.  Sadly, I don't think anyone will be able to convince her of this.  She will have to learn it the hard way- if burnout doesn't lead her to send her daughter back to school before that happens.

The best thing I ever learned about homeschooling - about life - was to slow down and focus on what is going on inside me rather than frantically running around trying to fix all the outward stuff.  You will never fix it that way.  If I thought that mom would follow my advice I would tell her to spend fifteen minutes a day with a Bible and a journal on her lap and not do anything at all.  I would tell her to sit in a chair and just be silent for fifteen minutes.  Don't solve any problems, don't make a grocery list in your head. Fight out all the thoughts of all the things you think you need to do and all the things you think you're behind on and just listen.  That isn't easy to do.  It certainly isn't what an anxious, inexperienced homeschool mom wants to hear.  But that fifteen minutes a day will do her far more good than anything she could purchase or pursue for her daughter's education.  This mom kept saying to us, "I just don't know what to do."  There was no way she was going to understand when I told her that she didn't need to do anything at all.

I wish I could send that mom this post.  I wish we could remember that any education our children receive in this country is far superior to the life millions of children in the world are forced to endure every day.  What we struggle over and fear our children lack would be an unthinkable luxury to entire nations of children.  While  we should certainly work hard and give our children the best education available, we don't need to tie ourselves in knots over every extra-curricular activity or homeschool enrichment program.  Those things can be a big help in the right doses, but they are not strictly necessary.  If it came right down to it you could educate a ten year old with a math book and a library card.  Sometimes I think our many choices as homeschoolers cloud our judgement.  If you can't homeschool with less, you probably won't be happy with more.

I feel for this mom because fifteen years ago, I was this mom.  I've been right where she is now.  It took me years to grow into any level of peace about homeschooling.  And then high school hit and I had to start all over.  Anything I know about how to homeschool was hard won in the daily struggle.  So, I'm not judging her.  But I am telling the truth.   I only hope she hears me.